R.I.P. Tura, I know that you’re still kicking ass today.

Astro Zombies Clip

With just one show in February and one in late March, and the bills piling up, I make the decision to get a                j-o-b.  It’s not just the cashflow I miss not working a steady job, it’s the coworkers.  Sometimes I get bored of my own company working for myself from home.  But I worry that putting time and energy into someone’s else’s business will leave less time and energy for growing my own.  And mine still needs a lot of care and feeding.  I hope I am making the right decision.

Today I had fun with my stash of bottle caps.  Did you ever notice how some of them are like little works of art?  I amuse myself greatly by matching them together by theme or color.  Many thanks to Becky Lemanski Greene for gifting me with all of these yummy caps.  You can check out her Etsy shop here.

My attention span…or lack thereof is getting in the way today.  Despite a healthy dose of Adderall, my attention still flickers….only faster.

Hello.  I think I had a slip….that is , Iwent to theflea market this past weekend and succumbed to the beauty of some grungy precious stuff to make jewelry with.  I’ve been feeling guilty for falling off my self-imposed wagon, which led to making a few more purchases of craft supplies.  Seems like after that first fall, more falls become easily justifiable.  You know what I mean?

Then today, I went to the grocery store.  Not the regular grocery store, which is barely a temptation to me at all, save for the ice cream section.  It was Whole Foods I visited, or as a friend of mine more aptly calls it, “Bread and Wallet.”  I was very cautious there, avoiding being sucked in by the fine chocolates aisle and crystal clear samples of fresh organic coconut water.  Regardless of my very discriminating purchases, my bill ended up totaling over $120.00.  I know, right?

I was sweating a bit, but then got home, ate some of the yummy food I got, and had a productive rest of the day in the craft room.  I’m thinking that maybe I need to eat like an artist more often.  Like feed myself with food that tastes artsy, even if I can’t do it all the time right now.  A steady diet of cheese and crackers, and mixing it up with blah sandwiches and pasta often leaves me feeling blah in the craft room.  I still don’t understand how other artists can make art all day, then have the energy and creativity to whip up something awesome in the kitchen.

In all of this, my belief is confirmed….whether it is craft materials or food, too much denial leads to an inevitable binge.

Little Edie Beal is one of my heroes.

I realize I need to stop dwelling on “the stash” or at least make friends with it, to bring out the artist part of me this year.  It seems like even focusing so much on letting go of IT is taking time away from making art and relationships.  It keeps me feeling like I’m spinning my wheels, so at least for today, I am not going to engage with it.

I feel so frustrated with myself.  I hate spending my time, hate wasting my time, going through my possessions like it’s my life’s work.  But then, why is it so hard just to let them go, just let go of them.  The money spent, the bad decisions to acquire these things, just let them go, just let myself off the hook, pass them on and make them someone else’s problem.

I should mention here that a long term friendship, which gave me much joy and was very dear to my heart, is probably coming to an end.  I don’t know what will happen between us, but at this point in time, we have failed each other.  I think about how it would feel to escape from that pain for a little while by going to michael’s craft store or to a thrift shop.  Not necessarily to buy anything, but to escape by getting excited about a new line of something, or an article of clothing, and the possibilities of what I could make with them.  I know that while sometimes that type of activity is a necessary part of keeping things fresh in my art, it feels somehow not right to do at a low emotional point.  Unlike most people who use shopping as a mood alterer, shopping depressed just makes me feel more depressed.  

Instead, I stay home and sew.  I try to focus on staying focused, rather than escaping.  I try to feel my feelings without running away.  For the first time, I cry a little over this latest and possibly last failing between my friend and I.

Despite a hard and lonely day, I have several brief, but surprising moments of calmness and optimism.  I focus long enough to almost finish a sewing a bag.

Happy 2012!  Though I thought about having a good binge before beginning abstinence, I did not.  I hope that doesn’t come back to bite me.  Today I go upstairs to make sense of my stash and to push myself a little harder to let go of some of it.

I stop congratulating myself on what I got rid of last week when I look at the hoard of art materials that now resides in the upstairs portion of my home.  Oh! and I should mention here that “art materials” is a term I use loosely, and includes such things as empty radio shells, old board games, and rusty metal bits and pieces I have picked up in my travels.  I justify that once I organize it on shelves, it won’t seem like so much.  My son reminds me that this maneuver will just lead to acquiring more things once the space opens up.

I try to remind myself that now everything is upstairs, it’s nice to have a clean hallway with empty steps.  How steps are not really shelves that reach up to the next floor.